she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
