i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
