There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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