I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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