I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
