Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
