She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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