so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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