drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
