I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
