There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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