guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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