As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
