If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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