Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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