awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
