I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
All the doctor said was why
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
