Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
