Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
