I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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