I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
