1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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