Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
