So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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