Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
