I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize