He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize