At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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