eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
