Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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