I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
