dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
