I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
its liver damage thursday
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