Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
