I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
