apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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