I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
