I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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