I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
