I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
