Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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