I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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