Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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