this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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