Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
