You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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