she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
