yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
