even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
