I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
