I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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