Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
