I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
