Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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