Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
