I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
MIDGETS
????
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
