The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
