Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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