i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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