my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
