The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize